Helpful ReplyHot!Before someone you loves dies

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Author
Innit786
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2017/06/29 20:27:40 (permalink)

Before someone you loves dies

What would you ask them, what would you do?

I'd say video them. Pictures are nice but not as nice as video.
Ask what they wanted to be when they were younger
Biggest regrets
Happiest moments
What they wished they had done.

Anything else. I could carry on
#1
gutlessrhyme
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/29 20:31:57 (permalink)
Bum them

#2
Innit786
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/29 20:46:03 (permalink)
😂😂😂
Should have known this sort of response. Thanks mate. Actually made me chuckle. Probably what I needed more than answers to this morbid fred..
#3
dimdum
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/29 21:09:34 (permalink)
Make sure I'm on the will
#4
RUSSELL CLARTY
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/29 21:16:09 (permalink)
Fuck knows. It's about what the person who is dying wants to do with their time and chat isn't it? 
 
I don't know who it is you are thinking about when you thought of this thread, but if someone I knew was dying I wouldn't bang on about anything heavy unless it was clearly something they were happy to talk about.
 
Regrets are a horrible thing to dwell on when death approaches. It may well be almost impossible for someone like me not to have them. Yet although you are dying you are nevertheless still alive, do something worthwhile with it, don't fill it with misery. 


#5
JUDGEDREDD
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 05:18:32 (permalink)
I buried one of my best friends last Saturday, was such a horrible experience to go though. 2 weeks prior he decided he had had enough of the world and took his own life, nobody had a clue he was in such a bad place, we had plans to meet up that week and had been talking about travelling together, unfortunately he wasn't with it when he made his choice and decided to end it. I was the last person to speak with him and I desperately tried to talk him out of it but he just stopped responding and wouldn't answer my calls, I dialled 999 straight away but it was too late when they arrived. 2 hours later they must of finally managed to contact his next of kin being his mum who called me to tell me the bad news, she couldn't understand why it had happened and kept asking me why, was a heartbreaking call as I didn't know what to say.. for about a week after I felt like I was in a horrid shit dream.

This was a really happy guy, great personality, able to walk to in a room and make friends with everyone and even remember stuff about people for the next time he met, we would see each other at least once a fortnight and spoke daily, had so many nights out and normal shit like playing golf or getting food in town, massive part of my life that's now no longer there other than in memory.

I tried desperately to talk him out of it and it's something in going to live with forever the fact i was the last person speaking with him and I couldn't convince him to not.

I guess all I can say to answer your question is to make sure people you love and care about know you are there for them, look after people as you never know their struggles and above all be kind to everyone regardless, a lot of people carry invisible illness's. The guy was only 25.

The funeral itself showed his parents how loved he was, around 200 people turned up and there was hardly a dry eye, it was a nice ceremony and the wake was nice to see lots of people, some I knew some I met that day, lots of people have been very supportive and in such a tragic circumstance I've seen a lot of the good side to humanity.

The whole thing has give me a lot of time to think about the bigger picture in life and is partly the final push towards going off to travel.

One thing that is pretty upsetting is my phone had to be wiped about a month or so ago and I lost so many pictures and madness from out WhatsApp conversations, if it's taught me anything it's to take more photos of and with loved ones and to make sure they're safe, also to try and be closer and keep an eye on people, however that said a lot of the time it's very invisible and typically people keep stuff bottled up and don't want to share their problems. It's such a shame things like this happen.

If anyone ever feels that way themselves I'd say ring someone, even if it's just a helpline. Nothing is forever and no matter how bad it can be it can always get better, and it does.
#6
Shiverman
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 05:32:25 (permalink)
Fucking hell mate, that sounds awful. Not worth much coming from a stranger on the internet, but just remember it's ok to not be ok, and need to talk about it. 
#7
Willfunk
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 06:36:00 (permalink)
Wow that is really heavy stuff. Sorry for your loss man.
#8
gutlessrhyme
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 06:56:31 (permalink)
Fuck, sorry Judge.

#9
LHC
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 07:14:49 (permalink)
Fuck me that's awful. Sorry to hear that man.
#10
Daniel Snakeman
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 07:39:32 (permalink)
Sorry to hear about that terrible loss JD. You are 100% correct to say this:
 

a lot of the time it's very invisible and typically people keep stuff bottled up and don't want to share their problems.

 
and this
 

a lot of people carry invisible illness's

 
Having suffered from very deep bouts of depression myself I can tell you the LAST thing I wanted was for anyone to know about it. It's amazing how convincing you can make the mask you wear after a lifetime of turbulent mental health.
This mostly comes from not wanting to burden people with your problems as you convince yourself they, (and therefore you), aren't important enough for other people to care or worry about. You think about maybe everyone's lives would just be better if you weren't there. You think that just deleting yourself somehow would actually make things better for all the people you love.
There's also a huge amount of guilt involved in those feelings. Guilt at not being able to "fix" yourself or snap out of it or pull yourself together or all those other things that people who don't understand depression assert you should be able to do.
 
Basically you must try not to blame yourself mate. Your pal was obviously ill and in pain and as a direct result of his illness was unable to reach out for help until it was too late. It's a complete tragedy but certainly not anything you can be dragging yourself over the coals for.
 
 
#11
dubplatederek
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 07:59:23 (permalink)
Sorry to hear that JudgeDredd :-(
 
Snakey
Sorry to hear about that terrible loss JD. You are 100% correct to say this:
 

a lot of the time it's very invisible and typically people keep stuff bottled up and don't want to share their problems.

 
and this
 

a lot of people carry invisible illness's

 
Having suffered from very deep bouts of depression myself I can tell you the LAST thing I wanted was for anyone to know about it. It's amazing how convincing you can make the mask you wear after a lifetime of turbulent mental health.
This mostly comes from not wanting to burden people with your problems as you convince yourself they, (and therefore you), aren't important enough for other people to care or worry about. You think about maybe everyone's lives would just be better if you weren't there. You think that just deleting yourself somehow would actually make things better for all the people you love.
There's also a huge amount of guilt involved in those feelings. Guilt at not being able to "fix" yourself or snap out of it or pull yourself together or all those other things that people who don't understand depression assert you should be able to do.
 
Basically you must try not to blame yourself mate. Your pal was obviously ill and in pain and as a direct result of his illness was unable to reach out for help until it was too late. It's a complete tragedy but certainly not anything you can be dragging yourself over the coals for.
 

 
Yes to all of this.
 
#12
Flow Joe
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 08:00:45 (permalink)
All I would do is tell them I loved them / that their life is valued greatly by many, & ask if there is anything I could do for them.

JUDGEDREDD
even remember stuff about people for the next time he met


That's a great trait to have. When at a social gathering, I try & make a point of listening to people properly, rather than just waiting for my turn to speak again. On the next meeting, I really notice (& appreciate) if someone recalls the chat, & it develops again.
#13
Sheriff Lobo
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 08:02:44 (permalink)
That's properly shit Judge D, really sorry you lost your mate.
 
I very much co-sign what Snakey has said, particularly about not blaming yourself. I had a brief dabble with depression shortly after the birth of my boy... my sense of reason was pretty much non-existent when times were bad, and during those times, there was nothing anyone could have said / done to make things 'better'.
 
Chin up lad, the last thing your mate would have wanted is for other people to blame themselves.
 
#14
Daniel Snakeman
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 08:20:52 (permalink)
I can't stop thinking about this now. 25.
 
I think when you're that age you assume all the change that's gonna happen in your life has already taken place. You think "Right this is it, I'm an adult now its just more of this till I die."
 
I'm a COMPLETELY different person now (at 38) than I was then.
 
Very very sad to think this geezer thought he had no other way out.
 
Stupid old brains eh, they really can fuck you over.
#15
Syzlack_24
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 08:59:20 (permalink)
That is bleak JD, sorry to hear that man.
My best mate's little sister took her life a couple of years ago at a similar age. Watching him speak at her funeral is probably the saddest thing I will ever see. I was a total wreck
#16
Geordie007
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 09:07:58 (permalink)
Sorry to hear that JD  but all of the above - and most importantly let people know that there is someone out there for them no matter what they may and think and make sure they have 116123 stored in their phone and make sure you do too JD.
The Samaritans are really fucking good listeners and helped me when I tried to hang myself last year and they kept me talking till the police came to take me to hospital.Always thought Id never get to that stage in my life and its been very sobering since and I have finally reached out as I have bottled shit up for years and years and then my whole world came crashing down in a short space of time that I thought ending it all would be better for everyone else. I was wrong. The help is there you need to encourage people to use it and a good place to start is the GP to get the ball rolling or even a local accredited counsellor. Talking about it really does help.
#17
Daniel Snakeman
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 09:10:36 (permalink)
On topic, my experience with dying people has just been
 
If you know them well, a bit of gallows humour can go a long way to diffusing a potentially tense or weird situation.
 
Spend as much time as you can telling funny stories about times you've shared together.
 
Be aware that if they're ill then they might get tired very quickly, even if you're just sitting around drinking tea or whatever so be prepared to fuck off half an hour after you've turned up to visit them. They'll appreciate it.
#18
Griff
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 09:14:05 (permalink)
Fucking hell JD, that's deep mate.  I'm sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine having to go through that. 
#19
Daniel Snakeman
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 09:14:41 (permalink)
Holy Moly Geordie.
 
Hope you're getting the help you need now mate.
 
PM next time you feel desperate please. I've spent so much on counseling in the last 10 years I'm pretty much qualified lol.
 
 
#20
RUSSELL CLARTY
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 09:27:51 (permalink)
Shocking, how many people feel like this. Something is fundamentally wrong with society when the second most common reason for young people to die is suicide.
 
I remember one of the first times I took LSD, the thing that made me laugh the hardest was the realisation of all the secrets we keep from each other and how similar we all are- secrets that we all share but can't reveal because of societal taboos.
 
Look after yourselves everyone


#21
Geordie007
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 09:28:20 (permalink)
Cheers man and will do...
 
Its fucking hard work and the meds do help to a certain extent but Ive scared meself something rotten to know I could try to do such a thing and I had a wobble about a month or so ago and was straight on the phone to the samaritans as I really dont want to get sectioned lol.
#22
RUSSELL CLARTY
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 09:31:10 (permalink)
Yeah, a mental health institution is not a place that encourages wellness judging from the brushes I have had with them through friends. Obviously better than the "alternative", but definitely get help as soon as you feel iffy. 


#23
gutlessrhyme
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 09:40:14 (permalink)
Yeah I'm starting to think my initial comment isn't really fitting in with the vibe of this thread 
 
 

#24
JUDGEDREDD
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 09:54:03 (permalink)
Cheers guys, it's all a bit of madness, I don't blame myself for anything, it's just a memory that won't disappear and unfortunately the last one I have of him alive. I tend to not dwell on it and just hold close the good times, the happiness and joy from all the years. Really sorry to hear about your situation Geordie, hopefully you've fully vanquished them demons. No matter how bad it is you can always make things better, it's just very difficult to see that when you're feeling so low. I've struggled with depression for years however I feel in a better place than I have been in the past, it did fuck up a lot for me including my last relationship which still hurts (I said I'd never mention it again on here lol) it is a bastard though, it becomes so controlling and it's a beast that takes a lot to fight off. Just know you're valued and loved on dnba and we can't have you disappearing good sir!

Ultimately talking is what solves a lot of these problems, unfortunately it's one of the hardest things to do. Men will be men. Not to take anything away from women... The battle is very much equal.

Even just talking through things on here can be helpful, I've seen a lot of good come from this place
#25
Majik
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 09:55:00 (permalink)
Thread took a turn...

Thoughts with JD and 007, stay strong gents.


#26
Daniel Snakeman
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 09:58:45 (permalink)
Can we all just agree not to kill ourselves please?
#27
gutlessrhyme
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 10:04:35 (permalink)
Also, remembering those that already have  (T-KAY-O)

#28
Willfunk
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 10:08:16 (permalink)
He didn't kill himself. Accidental from what I remember Gilf writing at the time
post edited by Willfunk - 2017/06/30 10:13:48
#29
gutlessrhyme
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Re: Before someone you loves dies 2017/06/30 10:10:25 (permalink)
Gilf. And yeah looks like you're right. Still, I think he was a bit messed up.
 
post edited by Kenny Rogers - 2017/06/30 10:15:50

#30
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