Hot!Daily Mash Appreesh

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_Nearly 50 FFS_
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2013/09/25 15:52:45 (permalink)
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/britons-flock-to-labour-party-conference-2013092479747

“Tomorrow we’re going to see Chuka Umunna give a speech on how Labour is the party of entrepreneurialism, so I’ll probably drop a couple of Es before that.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/health/clinging-to-youth-does-not-slow-ageing-process-2013091879562

Teacher Tom Logan said: “For years I’ve been trying to hang on to my youth by wearing a t-shirt that says Superdry on it and pretending Dizzee Rascal has got something important to say.

“But tonight I’m going to put on some comfortable cords, crack open a four-pack of Ruddles County, listen to my Sting albums and face death with dignity."
#31
Handsome B Wonderful
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dotarr
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2013/10/23 09:48:09 (permalink)
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/facebook-allows-beheading-videos-if-accompanied-by-inspirational-quote-2013102380555

Facebook to allow beheading videos if accompanied by inspirational quote

Social media expert Joseph Turner said: “There’s a fine line between posting a picture of a cat in a turban captioned I CAN HAZ JIHAD? and posting an actual video of an actual person being killed.

“Actually, no there isn’t. There’s a massive fat line between those things, and the video is on the side of it labelled ‘Never ever do this you sick bastard’.”
#33
The Rat
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frizzyd
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/01/28 13:38:09 (permalink)

ORIGINAL: The Rat

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/london-twat-drain-great-for-provinces-2014012882966




That's brilliant, was about to post myself but you'd beaten me to it.

Well done Rat.
#35
_Nearly 50 FFS_
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/04/02 11:40:05 (permalink)
Ed Miliband to dress like Bootsy Collins

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband is to embrace his weird side by dressing like a member of 70s collective Funkadelic.


Creating 450,000 jobs in the funk industry

Miliband’s new look of vinyl boots, wraparound shades, body paint and a light-up codpiece will emphasise that he is a complete and total freak.

Party chair Harriet Harman said: “Ed’s attempt to masquerade as a normal person has failed pitifully, so he’s going the full Bootsy.

“Voters will think yes he’s strange, yes he’s probably a visitor from another world, but maybe an injection of intergalactic funk is exactly what our economy needs.”

Miliband, wearing a gold cowboy hat and carrying the Staff of Ra, will tell Andrew Neil on Sunday Politics that he built the pyramids, communes with the fish-gods of Sirius, and will reduce the deficit with a windfall tax on hedge fund profits.

Voter reaction has been positive. Wayne Hayes of Stockton-on-Tees said: “The 70s afro-futurist pimp look has been underused in British politics, apart from the SDP.

“Instead of debating corporate tax avoidance, Ed will simply cut loose with a wild otherworldly guitar solo, funk the roof off parliament and beam up to his mothership.

“Finally, a politician we can all believe in.”
#36
dotarr
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/04/24 13:23:59 (permalink)
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/you-should-have-heard-some-of-the-other-poster-ideas-says-farage-2014042485951

You should have heard some of the other poster ideas, says Farage

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has rejected criticism of the party’s latest poster campaign, assuring people they have absolutely no idea.

Mr Farage revealed the party’s grassroots members had offered their own suggestions, adding: “Sweet. Jesus.”

He said: “One of them suggested me in a paramilitary uniform standing on top of a mountain, with the slogan, ‘Men of England, Touch My Destiny’.

“There was also the man snatching a baby from a pram, with the instruction that he look ‘very obviously semitic’.

“Then there was ‘the pile of skulls’.

“The person who sent that one in writes everything in capital letters and suggested we ‘POSITION IT OUTSIDE PRIMARY SCHOOLS’.

“Meanwhile, another member suggested a simple photo of a fully-erect black penis, but with no slogan, insisting the image ‘encapsulates absolutely everything we are trying to say’.”

He added: “These aren’t necessarily bad ideas, but they are bold and I just don’t think we’re quite at that stage. Perhaps next year. We’ll see.”

Mr Farage also revealed the party’s next set of posters will include a swarthy looking man in a dirty vest, a man with a Union Jack painted on his face, blowing his brains out, and an array of suspicious-looking tropical fruits with the slogan ‘Mangoes? Papayas? Whatever Next?’.
#37
The Rat
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_Nearly 50 FFS_
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/05/16 11:08:34 (permalink)
X-Men movies finally as incomprehensible as the comics

X-Men: Days of Future Past features two different timelines, three Wolverines, eight Magnetos, a parallel universe and five alternate futures.

Cinemagoer Nikki Hollis said: “I was completely lost from five minutes in, and I’ve had a migraine for the last three days. Is this why comics fans shun the light?”

Comics blogger Tom Booker said: “You don’t read the X-Men – or X-Factor, or X-Force, or Excalibur, this shit never ends – because you enjoy them.

“You read in the hope that one day you’ll understand who these characters are and what they’re trying to achieve, and then you’ll be able to stop. But you never will.”

Producer Tom Logan said: “By being true to the comics, we’ve made films that you have to see twice at the cinema and six times on DVD even to begin to follow.

“Our next movie introduces Cable, Cyclops’s son with a clone of Jean Grey who was raised by a cult in a dystopian alternate future led by his half-sister from a different dystopian alternate future and infected with a techno-organic virus before travelling to the present day to fight his evil clone Stryfe.

“It’s the kind of classic story we can all relate to.”
#39
_Nearly 50 FFS_
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/05/19 12:23:36 (permalink)
Drug laws only work on the over-30s

BRITAIN’S drug laws only work against 35-year-olds who have been ground down by years of inconvenience, it has been claimed.

New data shows that recreational users who laughed at cannabis prohibition in their youth eventually find scoring is such a pain in the arse that they give up.

Tom Booker of Brighton said: “As President of the university Hemp Society, I once argued that drug prohibition was irrelevant because it was easier to get an ounce of skunk than a can of Fanta.

“But the truth of that diminishes with age, and if I have to watch Stargate Atlantis in a friend-of-a-friend’s untidy flat for two hours before being ripped off with shitty resin again I’ll turn to smack.

“Which ironically will be even more difficult to buy.”

A spokesman for the Home Office confirmed that drug policy specifies Class B drugs, like cannabis, must have a purchase process so infuriating that any benefits are effectively cancelled out.

Meanwhile Class A drugs like cocaine and ecstasy that are sold to over-30s must involve a long car journey to see a man who keeps bull terriers and opens the door wielding a golf club.

Sociologist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Drug use is like dating. In your 20s, everyone’s doing it for a laugh but by your 30s, the only ones left are people with something seriously wrong with them.”
#40
Handsome B Wonderful
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/05/19 13:21:24 (permalink)
LOL at that last line
#41
RAYZA
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Whagwan
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/02 15:27:50 (permalink)
#43
_Nearly 50 FFS_
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/17 11:52:16 (permalink)
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/war/daily-mail-rates-the-outfits-of-gaza-strip-refugees-2014071788645

The perfect response to that bollocks in the Mail about the cabinet women yesterday that gave them so much publicity...
#44
Jeffwode
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/17 19:19:53 (permalink)
a couple of decent articles, but so much unfunny shit its not worth hunting for them.

#45
LHC
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/17 19:50:17 (permalink)
Obviously some are better than others but I find probably 90% of the articles to be funny.
#46
_Nearly 50 FFS_
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/17 20:57:18 (permalink)
It's satire, and it rips into those that deserve it brilliantly as good satire should, best thing since Spitting Image imo.
#47
Joey Gunz
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darkmatter
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/23 12:32:02 (permalink)

ORIGINAL: _binar_

Drug laws only work on the over-30s

BRITAIN’S drug laws only work against 35-year-olds who have been ground down by years of inconvenience, it has been claimed.

New data shows that recreational users who laughed at cannabis prohibition in their youth eventually find scoring is such a pain in the arse that they give up.

Tom Booker of Brighton said: “As President of the university Hemp Society, I once argued that drug prohibition was irrelevant because it was easier to get an ounce of skunk than a can of Fanta.

“But the truth of that diminishes with age, and if I have to watch Stargate Atlantis in a friend-of-a-friend’s untidy flat for two hours before being ripped off with shitty resin again I’ll turn to smack.

“Which ironically will be even more difficult to buy.”

A spokesman for the Home Office confirmed that drug policy specifies Class B drugs, like cannabis, must have a purchase process so infuriating that any benefits are effectively cancelled out.

Meanwhile Class A drugs like cocaine and ecstasy that are sold to over-30s must involve a long car journey to see a man who keeps bull terriers and opens the door wielding a golf club.

Sociologist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Drug use is like dating. In your 20s, everyone’s doing it for a laugh but by your 30s, the only ones left are people with something seriously wrong with them.”


On a related note, I find it quite ironic how illegal services can be so much better than any legal services I use. Personalized service from someone who knows me by name. Call them up, they already know the address and what I want. Delivery to my door and it arrives faster than a pizza. Extra product for free if it’s late. Dominos and Amazon don't even come close.

#49
Joey Gunz
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/23 12:53:10 (permalink)

ORIGINAL: darkmatter

ORIGINAL: _binar_

Drug laws only work on the over-30s

BRITAIN’S drug laws only work against 35-year-olds who have been ground down by years of inconvenience, it has been claimed.

New data shows that recreational users who laughed at cannabis prohibition in their youth eventually find scoring is such a pain in the arse that they give up.

Tom Booker of Brighton said: “As President of the university Hemp Society, I once argued that drug prohibition was irrelevant because it was easier to get an ounce of skunk than a can of Fanta.

“But the truth of that diminishes with age, and if I have to watch Stargate Atlantis in a friend-of-a-friend’s untidy flat for two hours before being ripped off with shitty resin again I’ll turn to smack.

“Which ironically will be even more difficult to buy.”

A spokesman for the Home Office confirmed that drug policy specifies Class B drugs, like cannabis, must have a purchase process so infuriating that any benefits are effectively cancelled out.

Meanwhile Class A drugs like cocaine and ecstasy that are sold to over-30s must involve a long car journey to see a man who keeps bull terriers and opens the door wielding a golf club.

Sociologist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Drug use is like dating. In your 20s, everyone’s doing it for a laugh but by your 30s, the only ones left are people with something seriously wrong with them.”


On a related note, I find it quite ironic how illegal services can be so much better than any legal services I use. Personalized service from someone who knows me by name. Call them up, they already know the address and what I want. Delivery to my door and it arrives faster than a pizza. Extra product for free if it’s late. Dominos and Amazon don't even come close.



#50
darkmatter
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/23 14:12:05 (permalink)
don't get it... is that an inside joke for lads only?

#51
Joey Gunz
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/23 14:28:27 (permalink)
You're not being given free drugs if a drug dealer turns up "late".
#52
darkmatter
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/23 14:32:10 (permalink)
If he chucks in an extra bag or bud when he's late because he knows I'm a good customer and can go elsewhere if I'm not impressed, I call that free. I'm not stupid enough to think I'm somehow making money out of him overall, if that's what you were thinking

#53
Whagwan
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/23 14:34:18 (permalink)
I think Joey is implying that the deal is exactly the same size, he's just telling you he chucked in a bit more.
#54
darkmatter
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/23 14:40:17 (permalink)

Do I come across as that guy on here? Hope not. I'm 29 not 13 FFS

#55
Lrrr
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/23 14:56:24 (permalink)
I have never ever heard of a drug dealer giving extras for being late lol

#56
RAYZA
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/23 15:05:36 (permalink)
Someone you know said he gave me extra for being late the other day.....
#57
Joey Gunz
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/23 15:11:12 (permalink)
Soz bruv, man's on time, take this .4, give me a bullseye and fuck off.
#58
Lrrr
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/23 15:11:27 (permalink)
Oh shit yeah

If he gave everyone extra for being late he would bankrupt himself lol

#59
Handsome B Wonderful
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RE: Daily Mash Appreesh 2014/07/23 15:13:19 (permalink)

ORIGINAL: Lrrr

I have never ever heard of a drug dealer giving extras for being late lol

#60
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