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steven wright one-liners - 7/9/2009 1:24:10 AM

bass monsta

Status: offline

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I bought some batteries, but they
weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

There was a power cut at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
everything.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I was arrested for not going
through a green light. I pleaded "maybe".

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was
walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess
told me to sit down.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
tour. I said, "the whole time."

My girlfriend does her nails with tipp-ex. When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm
afraid of widths.

I mixed this water myself. Two
parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody

My grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes
without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have
been serious because I brought a beach towel.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

How young can you die of old age?

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

What do batteries run on?

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put
your two cents in"? Somebody's making a penny.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
Notify:". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells.
I keep it on all the beaches of the world

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

There's a fine line between fishing
and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

What's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research.

I went to a garage sale.
"How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer.
When I took it out, it was gone.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope,
they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

My grandad asked me how old I was. I said "five".
He said "When I was your age I was six".

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and
said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know,
but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.
I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything,
but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.